Tree of life - Institute for the Development of Human Values

What is transformational communication?
It is a conscious communication with ourselves and others. It changes unhealthy habits, questions limiting beliefs, assumptions and established re-activity, it transforms degrading thoughts, words and actions into positive, clear, concrete and doable steps to enrich our lives and the lives of the people around us. It values free will and keeps us in the present moment which is the only place where change is possible. With that it supports love which is the most powerful force in the world. Transformational communication is the natural state of the soul and is practiced with joy. With freeing creativity it leads life towards fulfilling every need, including the two most sublime needs of all living things – the need to love and the need to be loved.

Loving and being loved, don’t we all want that? We try to give and receive love in various ways, but we are not always successful at it. Some might say that we are rarely “on course”, while the most pessimistic among us would call love a “myth”. Bono Vox’s lyrics are no accidental: “What more ‘in the name of love’?” referring to uncomfortable, sometimes even violent events in relationships between people and nations that are represented as expressions of love. So much has happened, is happening and will happen in the name of love, so much of it having more to do with violence, obsession, fear, neglect and so on, than with love.

What makes this communication different from other types of communication and how can we entice change?

The key to success is a conscious selection of reactions to what is happening in our life. Steven Covey says: “What is happening is not the problem; our reaction to what is happening is the problem.” Therefore, let’s take responsibility for our life. Let’s abandon excuses like they were worn-out clothes. Here and now, let’s chose thoughts, words and actions that will direct our life towards growth, the kind of satisfaction in our relationships we have never dreamt possible, the wealth we have thought of as inaccessible, the health that previously seemed unattainable and unimaginable spiritual fulfilment. This is a communication of wisdom, experience and maturity. And it begins with being present and transforming communication with ourselves.

Why “transformational”?

We are the co-creators of our destiny. Destiny is a process. This process begins with a system of values and convictions we have consciously or unconsciously chosen which represents the fertile ground for shaping our thoughts. Thoughts become words, words become actions. Repeating actions creates habits which in turn create our destiny with their stubbornness and resilience to change. By using communication which illuminates and bring awareness of our deepest values and needs we are enabling the harmonization of our inner world and our outer expression. In this way we can change or restrictive habits.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This wisdom refers not only to the things outside of us but also to our inner world. The existence of things in external reality is a product of initial creation from within. By changing the inner world of values, convictions and attitudes we are creating a new reality inside and out.

For example, someone will change the way they see their life because of a powerful external influence, such as the death of a loved one, a realization that they are suffering an incurable disease and have two months to live, or by moving to another, significantly different, culture. Someone else will experience insight uncommon for the average experience and will not be able to “remain the same”. Likewise, an individual or a group may go through an intense and deeply emotional or spiritual experience which will change them in a way that may also deeply transform their view of the world. But outside experiences do not need to be the only trigger for change. You are the factor that can prompt the changes you want to see, you do not have to wait for them to “happen” through outside influence.

We may ask ourselves when communication has the power to bring about change...

True transformation is not mental or intellectual. It happens only when we have an experience which gives us “higher taste.” Relationships coloured with mutual respect could be called “higher taste” experiences in comparison to those filled with objections, critiques, abuse and the like. In order for change to happen, therefore, it is necessary to apply theory in practice. In other words, we need to choose to consistently live out our internal value system. Let’s look at the lives of people who have influenced other people and we will see that they practiced what they “preached”.

This is why we are suggesting the following three steps to those who want to succeed in personal growth and development:

1. Collect information: carefully research the area in which you want to advance to a higher level.
2. Dare to be introspective: from different angles evaluate how this information pertains to your life.
3. Consistently apply in practice the principles you have learned: through application you are fortifying your insight, and without insight there is no change.

In order for knowledge, including knowledge on communication, to have a transformative effect, it has to be on the level of insight. In order for real change to happen, information is not enough. It has to be lived! This is especially important in the modern age of information “flooding” in which one may think that Internet itself is enough and that there is no need for a teacher. Don’t be surprised if your child has the same idea and begins to think that they do not need to go to school because they can use Google.

This sort of communication with yourself and others might me more time consuming in the beginning of the learning process because during the process we keep checking our assumptions about every aspect of our lives. The reward for success, however, is immeasurable – transformational communication can fulfil even the deepest needs.

Here’s an example: You have just arrived at John’s 35th birthday party. There’s John’s mother who wants to tell something to her son. She says: “John’s a good boy, he should just be more careful with money. He spends too much on unnecessary things, and now he has a family he has to provide for. He was never good with money. He must get that from his father. If it weren’t for me, his father would spend everything on his friends and sport!”

The typical reaction in this kind of communication would be for John to roll his eyes and beg God for her to finish her speech as soon as possible, asking himself why this keeps happening to him, even though he is aware of his mother’s good intentions. In the case of transformational communication, John would “read between the lines” and focus on what his mother is feeling and what she needs. He could sense that she is worried for his and his family’s safety and know that the words she is saying are actually an expression of love, but she is unable to express herself without critique. Strengthened by deeper understanding, he can chose loving words and say something like: “Thank you, mother. I am grateful for being able to rely on you thus far. I am glad to hear in your words that this is still the case. I love you.”

We all have the ability to deal with life’s challenges constructively. Let’s do it with a smile!

We can see that change is something that continually happens in this world. Let’s dare to change! In the words of Henry David Thoreau: “I know of no more encouraging fact that the unquestionable ability of man to elevate himself by conscious endeavour.”

Another suggestion: ask for advice and guidance from those who have more experience. A role model is an irreplaceable source of help.